


What a Wonderful Caricature of Intimacy

by prxnxykxi



Series: Ryden Angst Fest [7]
Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Implied Sexual Content, Just angst, Maybe - Freeform, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, but i mean, considering this song, hopefully not, nope - Freeform, probably, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-30
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-10-13 00:48:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10502958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prxnxykxi/pseuds/prxnxykxi
Summary: WHOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWWOWUpdate: I'm skipping one of the verses because I don't know how I can make it fit with the plot.





	1. On The Corner of Fourth and Freemont Street

_ It's these substandard motels _

_ On the corner of 4th and Freemont Street _

_ Appealing, only because they're just that unappealing _

_ Any practiced Catholic would cross themselves upon entering _

_ The rooms have a hint of asbestos _

_ And maybe just a dash of formaldehyde _

_ And the habit of decomposing right before your very eyes _

_ Along with the people inside _

 

Brendon knew they’d been going through a rough patch. It wasn’t a secret to anyone really. It’s not that he and Ryan didn’t love each other, but with the tour, and Brendon always being in the studio, it was hard for them to have any alone time. 

 

Which was why they were meeting here. Brendon claimed he was going out for a while, getting some dinner before they started another session, which wasn’t a lie. But it wasn’t the entire truth either. Ryan had suggested it last night while on the phone with Brendon. Somehow he’d found time to talk. Being back home wasn’t ideal, but he was doing it for his mother. He was just lucky she still lived in Vegas. 

 

Brendon’s eyes flickered up from the text message he had just opened, scanning the empty street until he spotted Ryan. His face immediately lit up. 

 

“Ryan.” he said, moving forward to engulf the other in his arms. 

 

“Bren.” Ryan grinned, beating Brendon to the hug. His arms wrapped around Brendon’s waist, chin resting perfectly on the top of his head. With Ryan’s height, Brendon had to stretch out to reach his lips, but that just made it sweeter when he finally kissed his boyfriend. 

 

Ryan moved one of his arms up Brendon’s back, letting his hand rest just between the man’s shoulder blades in attempt to bring him closer than he already was. When Brendon began to pull away, Ryan tightened his grip on him, making a disgruntled noise.

 

Brendon chuckled softly, shaking his head. “Ryan, I gotta breathe.” 

 

Ryan blushed and loosened his grip on Brendon. “Sorry, Bren. Just haven’t seen you in a while.” 

 

“I know. I missed you.” Brendon murmured, letting his forehead drop against Ryan’s shoulder. 

 

Ryan sighed and pressed a kiss to the top of Brendon’s head, rubbing his back gently. “You wanna go in?” he asked as his eyes landed on a motel across the street. 

 

Brendon pulled away slowly, following Ryan’s gaze. He ran his tongue over his bottom lip and nodded. “Let’s go.” 

 

\-----

 

Brendon was beyond uncomfortable, and not because of the overly dingy motel room. Not because he was sitting on a bed with stains on the sheets that, well, he didn’t want to think about what stained those sheets. No, he was uncomfortable because he was just sitting there whilst Ryan yelled at him. 

 

Ryan didn’t know how he got to this point, but here he was, glaring down at Brendon. It only made him more angry when Brendon just sat there, hanging his head and pretending the words didn’t hurt. Because Ryan knew he was hurting Brendon. He  _ wanted  _ to hurt Brendon. He wanted him to know how Ryan felt every time Brendon blew him off for work or ‘forgot’ to invite him to the shows. 

 

He knew Brendon was telling the truth. He knew that Brendon would never do those things if he had any other choice, but that didn’t make it hurt less. 

 

“Brendon!” Ryan shouted, pushing the shorter man’s shoulder roughly. “Brendon, would you at least fucking  _ look  _ at me?”

 

Brendon’s head tilted up. His eyes were red from holding back tears. “Ryan, I-” 

 

“That’s fucking better.” Ryan growled before resuming his rant. Brendon just sat there, letting his tears roll down his cheeks silently. 

 

Once Ryan had stopped shouting, Brendon interjected. “I’m sorry, Ryan. I’m really trying, and I’m sorry if I haven’t been paying enough attention to you - to us, but you know why it’s this way. You know this is how it needs to work. For now anyway.” 

 

Ryan took a deep breath before shaking his head. “Then maybe we’re not working out.” he said, his voice too calm, to sincere for Brendon’s liking. 

 

Brendon’s breath caught in his throat. There was no way Ryan meant that. No way. “Ryan...you don’t mean that. You don’t mean that, Ryan.” 

 

Ryan sat down beside Brendon, his hands clasping together in his lap. “Maybe we need a break, Bren. Just for a while.”

 

Brendon shook his head. His breathing became shaky, quivering shoulders not helping in the slightest. “I’ll try harder. Ryan, I’ll try harder. Please…” 

 

“Brendon, you’re not changing my mind on this one. It’s for the better, you know that. You’re so busy with the band, and I’ve got my mom to look after, it’s just too stressful.” Ryan said. His tone had taken a soft turn, leading Brendon into a trap.

 

Brendon flinched slightly at the feeling of Ryan’s hand on his shoulder and the murmur of “I love you”. After that, it was like Ryan had never even been beside him. The blur of Ryan’s figure moving in front of him and the soft ‘click’ of the door closing behind him was all just a whisper compared to the war going on in his head.

  
“I love you.” Brendon whispered, the faint glimmer of hope that Ryan was still there fading into nothingness. “I love you…” 


	2. Tonight's Tenants Range from a Lawyer and a Virgin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lemme tell you something: Brendon Urie was/is in love with Ryan Ross
> 
> Also, his wife isn't real. 
> 
> Also, I cried. 
> 
> Also, you're going to hate me.

_ Tonight tenants range from a lawyer and a virgin _

_ Accessorizing with a rosary tucked inside her lingerie _

_ She's getting a job at the firm come Monday _

_ The Mrs. will stay with the cheating attorney _

_ Moonlighting aside, she really needs his money _

_ A wonderful caricature of intimacy _

 

Brendon hadn’t expected to end up here, but this is where he was. It was a few days after his and Ryan’s falling out, and Brendon was over it. He swore up and down that he was fine. Each time Spencer asked it was always ‘I’m fine’. 

 

It was tiring. But worth it. As long as Spencer didn’t worry, he was safe. As long as Spencer didn’t worry, he could do whatever the fuck he wanted. So here he was, sitting quite a ways away from the stage with a glass of ‘water’ in his hand. They didn’t have to know about the vodka. And what the owners didn’t know couldn’t hurt them. 

 

Brendon’s expression remained blank the entire time he sat there, staring in the direction of the stage, though he was focused on his own thoughts. It was like he wasn’t even there. The foggy state he remained in helped him cope with the loss of Ryan, his Ryan. 

 

“Sir? Sir, excuse me?” said a voice to the right of him. 

 

Brendon glanced up, blinking a few times. “What?” 

 

“Closing time.” the man said, gesturing to the empty area. 

 

He hadn’t been there that long, had he? No way. “What time is it?” Brendon questioned.

 

“Three in the morning, sir.” replied the man, waving his hand toward the exit. “Please leave so I can go home.”

 

Brendon nodded, apologising and getting up, stumbling out of the building and into the cool air of the early morning. He didn’t want to return home, that would make everything worse, and he couldn’t go to Spencer’s house, that would only raise questions that Brendon didn’t want to answer. 

 

So, he did the only sensible thing he could think of. He went to the exact hotel that he and Ryan broke up in. Before that, though, he stopped at the drugstore, buying the strongest pills - pain killers, as he found out - he could find.

 

As he walked into the lobby, his eyes fell upon two people - a man and a woman. The man, a greying accountant from the looks of it, had his arm wrapped tightly around the young woman’s shoulders. Her face gave everything away. What they were going to do, the man’s relationship and their...deal, so to speak. 

 

“How many beds?” asked the woman behind the desk once Brendon reached her. 

 

“Is room nine open?” Brendon asked. 

 

The woman looked down at her computer, then back to Brendon. “It doesn’t look like it.” she said with a grin. 

 

“I’ll take that one.” Brendon nodded and held out his credit card. The woman took it, swiped it and handed it back. Her grin widened, making Brendon want to punch her. How could she be so happy? How could anyone be anything but miserable? 

 

He grumbled out a thank you and snatched the key from the woman’s hand, heading off to his room. When he got there, he let himself collapse on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as the memories from the last time he was here came flooding back to him. 

  
It all needed to end. Now.


	3. There Are No Rain Drops on Roses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA
> 
> Also, once I finished this extremely short chapter BCM finally realised my freckles.

_ There are no raindrops on roses and girls in white dresses _

_ It's sleeping with roaches and taking best guesses _

_ At the shade of the sheets and before all the stains _

_ And a few more of your least favorite things _

 

The entire fifteen minutes was a blur. In fact, Brendon wasn’t even sure what he’d done until he heard someone scream. Brendon let his head roll to the side, the edges of his vision fading to black. He saw the bottle of pills, the empty flask he’d stowed in his jacket and Spencer, standing in the doorway with the woman from the front desk standing behind him.

 

“Brendon, you idiot!” Spencer shouted, rushing to Brendon’s side. 

 

Brendon smiled weakly, a breathy laugh following it. “Tell him I love him.” 

 

Spencer stared at Brendon for a solid thirty seconds before shaking his head, trying his best to get Brendon off the floor. “What did you do, Brendon. What did you do.” he murmured, not really phrasing it as a question. Brendon couldn’t answer him anyway.

 

Brendon’s eyes closed, his body not being able to keep them open any longer. “Please, Spencer, tell him for me. Please?”

 

“Brendon, you’re not going to-” 

 

“Tell him.” Brendon demanded. 

 

Spencer fell silent, nodding slowly. “I will.”

  
Brendon smiled again, and let his last breath go. 


End file.
